“I knew if I did react, then I would never get opportunities like that again,” Flaa told Page Six this week. She froze. She smiled. She kept her job.
The internet immediately wants a villain. Toxic celebrity. Weak journalist. Pick a side, post your take, move on.
I want to say something different. What happened in that hotel suite is the same thing I watch happen on my couch in San Francisco every week between two people who love each other and cannot for the life of them figure out why one of them keeps going quiet.
Flaa didn’t decide to freeze. Her nervous system decided for her.
We are an interdependent species, wired from the cradle to the grave to need connection, status, and belonging. When any of those three feels threatened by someone with more perceived power, the body takes over. The thinking brain goes offline. The survival brain picks a strategy. Fight. Flight. Freeze. Placate.
Flaa placated. She kept her face neutral because protesting in that room meant exile from her career. The placater thinks, I probably deserved it anyway, I’m not that good, don’t worry, it’s fine. That’s not weakness. That’s a brilliant biological strategy running at the speed of instinct.
I see this constantly with the couples I work with. Founders, executives, high achievers. One partner is powerful out in the world. The other one walks on eggshells at home, terrified that the wrong sentence ends the marriage. They sit on my couch and describe their spouse like an unstoppable force they must appease.
